Wisdom for the day

How much Joy can I stand?

My answer? Too complicated for single pronouns.

You see, I struggle with Entropy, in the terms of unpredictable disorder. From my head to my toes. Thus, this question should definitely be asked from someone, to myself… though, I am too chaotic to give a clarified answer. ( is that redundant? )

My greatest fear is not Failure as many literary geniuses prescribe, but rather Success. In another attribute, Joy.

It’s true. I fear being good at something, mastering something, being talented. I fear getting that ‘big break’ I always talk about… Because no one else has; in my family, at least. It’s not something we’ve been given, although, I do believe it’s something were destined for. Once I step over that phobia of excelling to the point of an A+ of course.

No, I fear being bigger than my brother, my sister, or even my parents. A huge part of me would rather be left behind than be the one doing the leaving.

Though today I was brought a gift of inspiration through a little white book called “How much joy can you stand?” As I sit with the few pages I tore from its binding, (Sue me.) I feel a sudden uprising of what I will loosely name, monistic Idealism, pulsating through my body.

There is a desire at this precise moment, to fight for the dreams I sometimes allow to beat me down, and a small * ahem* medium sized desire, to prove success, not only to myself, but to the people of my past, present, and future, who never put their belief in me entirely. I’ll spare you the name listing.

I’d like to share a few key inspirations with you for just ½ a page.

I write books. Or, am ‘writing’ books; 3 in the making, to be exact. Lately I have found that I lack the confidence in my own writing, amongst my self-doubt and lack of education, I feel I don’t have anything grand to say to the universal masses. But this little white book quoted Mark Twain “I Like it only tolerably well… and may possibly pigeonhole it, or burn the manuscript when it is done.”

For me, this means that maybe... Those literary geniuses I hold on such a pedestal may have at one time during their writing, felt the same cold sting of self doubt lash through them. Though, they wrote on… even if some of them in the end still believed it was only ‘tolerable’ and that they would surely ‘burn the manuscript.’

Mr. Twain, Thank you.

Page 10- “Daring to be heard, then, is simple. It’s recognizing your cascades of self-doubt for what they are: a whole lot of hot air you’ve cooked up for absolutely no good reason at all. Then it’s mustering up the courage to trust yourself for five minutes anyway, because maybe you really do have something important to say. “ “Daring to be heard, ultimately, is something great you do for yourself. It’s giving your poor, withered soul some fresh air and sunshine."

Most of all… “It becomes your chance to fly.”

After all, my dear Hero of all time, Miss Jane Austen wrote even of her famous novels, though at the time she was well unaware of their future reputations “I think I may boast to myself to be with all possible vanity, the most unlearned female who ever dared to be an authoress.”

Miss Austen, I’ll stake claim to this statement as well and be proud of such a label. Doesn’t she shine? And to think that she never believed that, Baffles me.

“Perhaps the audience for it will be small and select. On the other hand, perhaps it will sweep the nation. Be a good mother to your work, and have high hopes for it. Not only do you deserve it, but so do those the work is intended to reach. “

Within this beautiful Book, Suzanne Falter-barns writes about finding that fire in your belly. The passion to pursue those beautiful dreams we all tell ourselves we’ll never reach.

She says that “A fire in the belly is a champion for the ridiculous. You must keep on going day after day, stroke after stroke, step after step, simply because you have to. You have to, in order to honor yourself- a ridiculous notion in a world that values products more than people and the bottom line more than somebody’s tender dreams.

“You don’t pursue the dream because you’ll be famous someday, because the work is going to make you rich, or because you’ll make better cocktail banter. You design, tech, invent, or serve because this is what you are meant to do. “

Listen to that phrase.. Because it’s what you are MEANT TO DO. All of us. You see, we were not meant to /chase/ after dreams, but rather to /catch them/. Not to struggle with them in hand but /mold them/ into our every desire.

So, you may be asking, “What does this have to do with Photography?”

It has everything to do with photography. Because it’s a solution to a dilemma of self preservation vs. what? The lies we all tell ourselves?... I can’t, that I shouldn’t, I’m no good and it will never be worth anything. No one cares now and they’ll certainly never miss it if I just don’t.

But you see Dear Readers, “Every un-pursued dream leaves the world one less lesson passed on to someone else. Every abandoned idea means one more strike against hope.”

So to end this ramble of what I hope triggered a feeling of empathy enough to inspire a change in you today that will last far beyond tomorrow…

“By all means wish for too much. The results may truly astound you.”

-Shaina